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Swellboy on… becoming a Tsar

There’s one field of endeavour that has yet to have its own Tsar

Swellboy on… becoming a Tsar

Image: Brijesh Patel

June 13 2011
Nick Foulkes

Learning of Mary Portas’s appointment as High Street Tsar (surely Tsarina would be more appropriate), I am thinking of volunteering my services to the Cleggeron coalition. I have always fancied myself as a bit of Tsar and while I could do without winding up in front of a firing squad, I have always been partial to a bit of Fabergé. There are even times when I believe that my unconscious longing for Russian imperial status had a part to play in my marrying a woman called Alexandra, although as yet we have signally failed to build a Winter Palace, let alone a Tsarskoye Selo in Shepherd’s Bush.

The trouble now is that Mary Queen of Shops, who has been elevated from mere retail royalty to an imperial oversight role, seems to have the whole shopping thing sewn up, as she knows the British retailscape like no one else. And I am left wondering where my talents, should I possess any, would be best deployed. It seems that almost every imaginable Tsardom has been assigned: there are or have been Tsars for respect, cancer, heart and stroke, financial stability etc. And besides, the whole Tsar thing can be a bit costly as poor old (or more accurately young) Lord Wei found, when he could no longer devote as much unpaid time as he would like to being Big Society Tsar, as he needed to bring in a little more cash.

Accordingly I am happy to put myself forward as a male jewellery Tsar, and I look forward to undertaking this important work on behalf of the nation – unless of course I find myself unable to fulfil this important brief because I have to earn a living.

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